The Art of Knowing you are Wrong

Being real is not how I want to be in this world.
Being real is who I need to be in Christ.

Time and time again, I remind myself of how I need to act,
how I need to respect, how I need to be nice, and how I need to care.
What is more powerful that I rarely have said, is,
this is how God needs me to be
more than what I need of me.

In you oh God I place my trust;
A trust that let's me know
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
But, Oh God,
I recognize my humanity over your Divinity
in my life.
How can I stand tall (in falling to my knees)
when I recognize your power
and Faithfulness
in my fall?
Am I to keep on sinning
to recognize Your Grace?
NO!
Everytime I have told myself
I need to be a light for you
Amid the brothers and sisters around me,
I have failed because of who I wanted to be.
A man - if even that - who seeks
intimidation, respect, less-care,
and power.

How humbling oh God,
when all things that are wanted
fall apart with a simple trust.
For I finally trusted in You
and pursued Your love
to show others.
What happened? -
A SMILE HAPPENED!
I lived what I knew you needed
me to live.
Through this, the fellowship
with others has been a blessing.
To open up and to converse
Is to open up the gateway
For Christ to express himself
IN ALL THINGS.

In You, Oh God, I place my trust.
In myself, Oh God, I place You.
Amen

lament XV

I must go on
Even though my heart dies.
How the Lord is by side to trust
To save me from myself.
I have failed to let my tears flow
And let go to show my love - my love.
If I am a man I cannot be weak.
If I am a man in Christ, all I am is weak.
The time has just dawned
For the dusk is far off
I must let my journey begin
To seek out the dependency I need on Christ.
My love, she is far away
I am lonely in my own arms
I am alone
But I am not alone I need to know
For God will never leave me
I am drawn to Him because He will fulfill
I am desperate Oh God
My writing is distorted and mixed.
I seek something, anything.
Will I see her soon?
I do not know.
When will I stop torementing myself!
I need you oh God.
I cry out to you -
I cannot do this on my own.
I am desperate for her,
Which makes me desperate for You.
Amen

lament XIV

There is no trust without doubt
For who can trust perfectly?
No one.
Imperfect I am made,
And impure thoughts that abound
That tell me I'm perfect,
But when I ask "why" ,
That's where imperfection sounds.
My faith is not perfect.
If it were, I would not be here
But the faith and trust in me
Is my responsibilty to grow.
God, my father, does not call me to perfect trust and faith.
My father calls me to hope and believe
This I know:
Perfect trust and faith is believing in God
Because you have doubts.
Only God will carry you through.
I trust you Oh Lord in my eternal security
And in my each and every breath.
But I perfectly trust you
When I seek out your will
And I step out in faith.
For I doubt Oh Lord...
I doubt.
Then my trust and faith shall be like Mt Zion.
I cannot turn back to the power and rule of the wicked.
Their Sceptor will crush me and I will be turned over to wrath.
My hands will do their work.
To stand, Oh God, in you
Is to step from my old self
And rise in You.
To stay there, established and firm.
Then my faith and trust will grow
With each experience,
And continual growth in your knowledge.
Oh God, Keep me from returning to evil.
Keep me in your holiness.
Amen.

lament XIII

You give and take away
My heart will always say
Don't bless me I'm a fool
Take away the freezing in my veins.

I am but a sinner
And I can't see past my sin.
You say "ask when you pray
and it shall be granted this day"
But your will oh God, has the final say!
You brought into my life your desire,
But you ripped out from my heart a love's fire!
And what transpires is, oh God, is a loss.
How can I be what you need
When I'm blind and can't see
For all I know is that I disappoint you time and time again.
I have become my own enemy.
I turn myself away from you.
I disregard the knowledge that I share a divine power in you.
I seek, but not to be sought.
I run, but I run to nothing.
I pray, but I am but a wave.
I sing, but I am a clanging symbol.
Unless you see it otherwise, oh God,
I fear more than love;
my love is for fear.
Show to me my empty tomb
That I might spring forth to life.
You are my God
I am your child
You need me to seek you -
I need you to encourage me;
To display your kindness;
To show your power;
To manifest your love.

Oh God, I am but sheep,
Gone out to pasture,
Gone out too far,
I feel lost for sure.
Amen.

lament XII

I hate who I am
For I don't understand
What's in my right or left hand
Isn't life grand?
I'm cutting myself
With a sharp blade of stealth
My life has no wealth
Isn't life grand?
I have thrown all away
My Christ love today
Just watch - I'll still pray
Isn't life grand?
I bring my despair
For others I still care
For myself - love is not there
Isn't life grand?
I'm breaking her heart
When my feelings distort
And my failure starts -
I'm breaking her heart!
I'm sorry, my God
That I am what you're not
And in my lonliness rot
When will this life end?

lament XI

You, oh Lord are my song in the night;
All I can whisper is your worth.
I am sorrowed at how you remember me,
For it reminds me of my fallings.

Catch me oh God!
So many things lay before me; I need you to guide.
Shall I go this way or that?
Both give you glory, but I fear failure.
To reach the broken, or walk in your beauty;
To you I must pray.

Take me where you need me,
Lead me where you want me, and
Life me up accordingly.

To you I life my eyes.
In you I trust alone.
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.
Though I may fall, I shall not be utterly cast down.

With the hourglass falling down,
My ears are so much more attentive to what You have to say.
I now realize that I am not my own.
All things must be done for You and through You.
Hear my Plea!
I cannot do this on my own.
Intervene with Your Spirit of Truth.

Keep me from myself.

Now Oh Lord I place my trust.
As I ask, may You answer;
As I knock, may you open the doors;
As I seek may, I find Your way.
The door which the Lord opens,
No one can close.
The door which the Lord closes,
No one can open.
For the glory of the Lord,
Open wide the floodgates of your promise,
And lead me where you need me.

As Your eyes are attracted to the righteous,
May I be a light in a dark place.
As Your ears are attentive to the just,
May I be to You a song.
Hear my prayers.
As I am seen by your holiness,
Wherever I go or stay, let me be a partaker of Your holiness
As I seek Your face,
Lavish me in grace.
Amen.

lament X

Lift your voice all ye nations;
Lift your voice to be heard.
Sing with thankfullness
And pray without ceasing.
The Lord's ear is attentive
To those who humble themselves.
Am I to fall prostrate
Or should I stand unto the works of my God?
The worship of God is lead by the Spirit,
Leading to the praise and glory of our Savior.
Whatever I do, whether in word or deed,
May I do it all in the name of Lord Jesus,
Giving thanks to God through Him.

My heart pours Father.
May it not overflow with evil or vanity.
When I come to you to bring my life as an offering,
May I bring it with a clear conscience.
Imperfection is what I fear,
Though perfect is what I cannot be.

As I worship father,
Look on me with continued justification.
See my heart, not my sin.
See my willingness, not only my physical interpretation of worship.
See my heart oh God.
Amen.

lament IX

What self of me seeks perfection?
Is it the sinful nature inside of me,
For the sake of Pride?
Or is Spirit pleading with me to live for God?
Does my human nature interpret wrongfully
The Latter?

What I seek God is perfection.
Unto you may I be spotless.
Through Your justification
I am cleansed from sin,
Yet I seek to do my part.
I look not for a faith of works,
But I glory in a work by faith.

Your blood has atoned me;
May I desire to cover this earth with love.
You ask not for my strength,
For you pursue in my weakness.
I was found in my distress
And overjoyed with success when I usually fail.

Harsh words cannot be on my lips.
Impure thoughts cannot be my thoughts.
Sinful nature cannot stand in my temple.
I cannot rule my life.
Perfection only reigns when imperfection is bowed.
Imperfection only bows when perfection loves.
Amen.

lament VIII

To know God, we must seek.
If I am to live, I must walk as Jesus walked.
Until I come to my kingdom,
I must strain for the Wisdom of God.
There is no life, if there is no knowledge of God.
There is no life progression outside of God.
To not know God is to seek depravity;
To know God is to have life.
If I am to know myself, I have to know God.
Amen.

lament VII

From the sinking sands You pulled me,
And removed the chains from my feet.
When I was in despair, I called to You.
I knew that You heard, but I knew not if you listened.
But now oh Lord,
I see Your eyes on the righteous;
Your ears attentive to their prayers.
For you oh God rescue Your children.
Through an immature faith,
My faith has been lifted.
How all hope seemed to fade,
You have brought me out soaring on winds.

Oh God, vindicate me.
Bring about Your powers through my evil deeds.
In my restoration bring forth Your grace to others.

I have wronged God of heaven and earth.
I know Your calling of my life,
Yet I chose to gratify the sinful nature.
Oh God, please do not despise.
As You have lifted me, may I stay lifted.
May my sanctified life carry on to perfection
For the glory of the Lord.
You Oh God have justified me.
I will stand before You free from accusation
And without blemish.
Your Son suffered in my place because of my iniquity.
Your son died for me.

Until I reach Your glory,
May I hold prescious to your mercy
And stand for Your truth.
For You look on me and forgive.
Amen

lament VI (a broken hallelujah)

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled King composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The Holy Dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Amen

lament V

I have sinned;
I know I have done wrong
If reality were not real,
I would not dread my consequence.
I place my hope in the Lord.

My God, are reactions consequences?
If they are not, I despair to think of what you have in store.
I need You to desire me to rise again.
If you desire me to rise,
How then can you punish?
I place my hope in the Lord.

This turmoil burns my living bones,
And my heart spills over with coal.
My love which was once so strong
Has, in a moment of weakness, fallen.
If I humble myself, how high will I be exalted?
Can I find Your peace here - on the streets of sinners?
Should I seek peace and joy
If I have wrought destruction?
I place my hope in the Lord.

Those who have ears, let them hear!
God is almighty and just!
What the fallen have done, God is right in judgement!

Those who have eyes, let them see!
My shame that I bring to my father,
Is shame I refused to see.
Oh Lord, Your child, who I am, do not despise.
Redeem.
I place my hope in the Lord.

To seek out the endless days I am to receive
Brings joy to the broken heart.
To one day stand before the almighty,
My heart yearns.
May I Lord, rest here in eternal peace.
May I Lord, rest in You.
Amen.

lament IV

Will You be there, my God of ages?
Will I see You rise above my storm?
Will You be there?
Why cannot the past be erased,
Or memories quicken into nothingness?
For I am as nothing.
No matter what I do,
Why must evil prevail
And good deeds be shunned in the eyes of others?
I need You Lord.
Seek not after me with Your wrath
But find me in my pilgramage
To say "all is well My good and faithful servant".

Please oh God, send my nature of sin
to the darkest pits of Hell;
But do not let them pull me down with them.
Forget me not as You forget my sins.
As far as the east is from the west,
So spread Your arms to take me in
And consume with Love.

Call me out of my despair
And lead me on to victory
Through the work of the cross
And the power of the empty tomb.
Oh Lord, when You call,
Will I be there?
My God, when You lead
Will I follow?
Rescue me Father, for my sins are holding me.
Restore my Spirit and bring me peace.
Amen.

lament III

Falling away from me
Is Your land of milk and honey.
Even when I am risen to mountain heights
I can see only the borders of Your land.

Your love, oh Lord, is in my horizon;

and my hope floats on the backs of eagles.

The Kings have their place,

and even the poor claim a home.

But I, Oh God, have no place to rest my head.

I am tossed and turned by waving seas
and travel forth from mountains to the abyss.

My heart rules my life.

I know you God.

I know You have plans for me.

Who then can say "I will guide my life?"

Or

"Who I am, speaks only of me."

Why then do I sin?

If I know you, how can I fall?

May my feelings bring forth prosperity through truth;

not consequences - God, you discipline the ones you love.

May I never fall away.

Wherever I am - there You are.

If I am to sing praises to Your name,

Or if I am broken in a corner,

There You are.

My eyes faint, but my vision holds.

Where e'er I be, I can see Your love.

Should I seek You from the mountain,

or should I hold You with a clutching hand,

I know I am separated, yet forever held.

Amen

lament II

Let the heavens rain
and let the oceans sing.

For as one who casts his cares on the Lord
so the peace of God comes like a rushing wind.

In my failure you bring beauty;

In my heartache you surround me;
When lions surround me to tear me apart

you are there.

As men circle me to devour their meat,

in your presense they vanish;

When I look to you in their midst

they disappear.

Blessed is the voice that calls on the Lord;

Who calls Him for restoration.

Blessed are the hearts that let go;

Who let go and trust in the Lord.

Blessed are those who know God

How you have surrounded me with life.

Those who search me out,

they seek me through You;

and bring with them a trumpet of victory.

As I am poured out as fine wine

at the feet of those whom angels manifest,

You, oh God, encourage me.

You pull me from the myre.

From the thorns I am upheaved.

My feet are set upon a shore of counted sands,

where my lifes worth is counted so much more.

I cast my cares upon you.

So as He whose joy was set before Him to endure the cross,

as will I, with no hope in myself, take my cup

and lay my life at your feet

Amen

The Beginning - a lament

Near and far,

As I am an enemy to myself.

Does my foe need even try?

In the shelter of your wing

Oh God, I see rest; yet choose defeat.

How the highest mountain is climbedand

lo, how the lowest valley reached

by the smallest blowing wind.

Who am I oh Savior that I am not defeated,

Or that I am not vanished in thy twinkling?

Disgust me not oh narrow mind!

See even how the beasts step back,

they step back because of my sin.

Who am I God Almighty,

For I cannot turn even away from myself?

Am I yours?

If the light within me is Your light,

Then why is my light that shines forth so dark?

Is it not true that my salvation is turned carnal

When I fear not thy commands, nor fear thy punishment!

To my shame, my character is built in secret

When I have nothing to prove to others but You;

Oh how I still fail.

Let not my sins bring shame to those around me.

May I, and I alone, bear the consequences.

May I be renewed to move on.

Oh God you are righteous and Just.

When I fail, You remain in faith.

When I turn away,

You hold out Your hand to Guide.

Oh may I never forget.

You, Oh God, are the lover of my soul

In whom I am to delight.

Let not myself triumph over me.

To you my God, I lay my life.

In the shelter of Your wing;

In the hollow of Your hand.

Amen.