If...

Hey God,

If you had a heart, I hope I could make it beat faster
To make it throb and burn long there after

If you had a face I hope I could make it smile
To make it soft and be at peace for a while

If you had a hand I hope I could hold it
To make it gentle ... but I know I don't have to make it.

If you had a lap I hope I could rest
To understand silence and and feel your breath

If you had a chest I hope to lie my head there
To move when you inhale and exhale the air

Yet, alas you are Spirit and not anthropomorphic
And I can't beat myself up with images that I talk sick (toxic)
But some how I am yours and am held closer than I know
So I endure to the end for I know one day you will show.

-The Prodigal

Through it all

"Through it all, Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God

Through it all, Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His word"

The Morning Star

The Sun that has too soon set
Makes my eyes yeild to darkness.
My eyes that are governed by tyrrany
Make that darkness live within me.
Jesus Christ is my morning star
Yet is not the same for the name Lucifer?

Are my stars that shine only fake through time
As the source burnt out long ago?
Am I holding to riddles and emotional candles
As I die because it's all I know?
I have nothing left but inaneness of breath
That screams 'praxis ideology'.
Yet my self kills my self till I have no self
And what remains is pure idolatry.

Sin is sin is sin, as I sit in front of my vanity.
To apply, to curl, to brush, this is sin in practicallity.
... this is me so tired of it all

The morning star awakens well before dawn
As dawn is the train of its robe.
For it is 2 in the morning when we see it's glory
Breaking in on the depth of the darkness.
My darkness has awoken with only hopes broken
Oh setting sun won't you please arise?
Be more than my fiction or hopeless addictions
Be a light that I cannot disguise.

But this I know:
That you are more certain,
guaranteed to be a light shining in the dark place
until the day dawns and you, as the morning star, arise in our heart.
2 Peter 1:19

A Prayer of a fallen warrior

Darkness says that she is my bride
and for everyone's sake
my thoughts should be suicide.
Oh can you hear her, the noctural mother
Oh God she's all I hear
And with pride I am smothered.
She screams and says "I" more is better
My eyes turn red
My ears now bleed; is there a cure?

Father,
Myself I want no more
Father,
With all these laments my fingertips are gettings soar.

All of my words - through actions or voice
I am ashamed for I know to you they are just noise.

Sporadic thoughts
are they what you want?
Alas they are not
for what you want is my heart.
I am afraid I will never know
who you are in my life
because I seem to embrace
darkness as my wife.
Alas, even when I seek
when is it okay
For you to finally say
I will reveal myself today?

You are the one I call Father
but do you call me son?
And that I do not know
For salvation cannot be undone.

So may I start today
to seek with my whole heart
so I can fully know
if our relationship will start

Yet, if I was never called
I could live no other way
For I will be fair unto myself
and let have damnation have its day.

Forgive me father for I have sinned
I know I'm needing mercy
Help me father every day
to turn my eyes from self unto thee.

Forgive me
Amen.

As All Is Lost . . .

So slowly it slipped through my fingers
And all I could do was watch
Unfortunately it's what I wanted
Now my hope is lowered another notch.
I still didn't want this to happen
But all seems to have slipped away
So I'm broken and squandered unwanting
I think night is breaking in on my day.
Really, what is there to try for?
Yes, divine sovereignty has its place.
But if that's all there is, and I don't know what is,
What is the quality of the throne of grace?
I'm so disturbed at the desires of self
But I find fulfillment in no other thought
Still I know I'm a new creation
But I know I can't be who I am not.
Oh God, how I need your help
Impliment more than my mind!
I can't be left on my own, for myself I disown
-I am part of the totally depraved Mankind.
. . . I can't be who I'm not.

I long for rest

...shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev— to be a kind of man
...She shall look on him with forgiveness, and everybody will forgive and love. He will be loved.
...So everything's OK, right?
...Can—can we rest now? ...can we rest?

A return to lamentations

Salvation is not one sided but two
Salvation is not what we think
Salvation only bears its quality
When of the fruit of our cross we do drink.
The Lord blesses and takes away
But I know that is based on me
Whether or not I am obedient
Bears the consequence of whether or not I am free.
How dare I speak of Mercy
When I think of reconcilation
Because I still I know that I bear myself in mind
And not of what it means to obtain true salvation.
The possibility she spoke still reminisces
And I know I snuffed the flame that night
Do I think of her as an expression of God
And hold on to her and no longer fight?
As she has shown hope, oh God show it too
I'm trusting you are opening my eyes
"Hey Steven, here's one more chance,
Feast on obedience and taste no more lies!"
So I wait on her as I wait on the Lord
Knowing who I am is what it takes
To rekindle the spark, to shine light in my dark
And know salvation from my mistakes.

Liminal Spirituality

My longing for happiness
Comes from depression
Where I hope for new 'morrows
Within dark bitter tension.
I'm lost with who I am -
It's not what I've known to be
As endless sorrows reign
I've lost the pursuit of liberty.
Tonight I have nothing left
And I'm scared, so scared of my heart,
I don't know where to begin,
Is it with myself I should start?
So my longing for happiness
Has made its home in liminality,
Where the darkness endures
And the light . . . the light is so dim to see.