lament XIV

There is no trust without doubt
For who can trust perfectly?
No one.
Imperfect I am made,
And impure thoughts that abound
That tell me I'm perfect,
But when I ask "why" ,
That's where imperfection sounds.
My faith is not perfect.
If it were, I would not be here
But the faith and trust in me
Is my responsibilty to grow.
God, my father, does not call me to perfect trust and faith.
My father calls me to hope and believe
This I know:
Perfect trust and faith is believing in God
Because you have doubts.
Only God will carry you through.
I trust you Oh Lord in my eternal security
And in my each and every breath.
But I perfectly trust you
When I seek out your will
And I step out in faith.
For I doubt Oh Lord...
I doubt.
Then my trust and faith shall be like Mt Zion.
I cannot turn back to the power and rule of the wicked.
Their Sceptor will crush me and I will be turned over to wrath.
My hands will do their work.
To stand, Oh God, in you
Is to step from my old self
And rise in You.
To stay there, established and firm.
Then my faith and trust will grow
With each experience,
And continual growth in your knowledge.
Oh God, Keep me from returning to evil.
Keep me in your holiness.
Amen.

lament XIII

You give and take away
My heart will always say
Don't bless me I'm a fool
Take away the freezing in my veins.

I am but a sinner
And I can't see past my sin.
You say "ask when you pray
and it shall be granted this day"
But your will oh God, has the final say!
You brought into my life your desire,
But you ripped out from my heart a love's fire!
And what transpires is, oh God, is a loss.
How can I be what you need
When I'm blind and can't see
For all I know is that I disappoint you time and time again.
I have become my own enemy.
I turn myself away from you.
I disregard the knowledge that I share a divine power in you.
I seek, but not to be sought.
I run, but I run to nothing.
I pray, but I am but a wave.
I sing, but I am a clanging symbol.
Unless you see it otherwise, oh God,
I fear more than love;
my love is for fear.
Show to me my empty tomb
That I might spring forth to life.
You are my God
I am your child
You need me to seek you -
I need you to encourage me;
To display your kindness;
To show your power;
To manifest your love.

Oh God, I am but sheep,
Gone out to pasture,
Gone out too far,
I feel lost for sure.
Amen.

lament XII

I hate who I am
For I don't understand
What's in my right or left hand
Isn't life grand?
I'm cutting myself
With a sharp blade of stealth
My life has no wealth
Isn't life grand?
I have thrown all away
My Christ love today
Just watch - I'll still pray
Isn't life grand?
I bring my despair
For others I still care
For myself - love is not there
Isn't life grand?
I'm breaking her heart
When my feelings distort
And my failure starts -
I'm breaking her heart!
I'm sorry, my God
That I am what you're not
And in my lonliness rot
When will this life end?

lament XI

You, oh Lord are my song in the night;
All I can whisper is your worth.
I am sorrowed at how you remember me,
For it reminds me of my fallings.

Catch me oh God!
So many things lay before me; I need you to guide.
Shall I go this way or that?
Both give you glory, but I fear failure.
To reach the broken, or walk in your beauty;
To you I must pray.

Take me where you need me,
Lead me where you want me, and
Life me up accordingly.

To you I life my eyes.
In you I trust alone.
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.
Though I may fall, I shall not be utterly cast down.

With the hourglass falling down,
My ears are so much more attentive to what You have to say.
I now realize that I am not my own.
All things must be done for You and through You.
Hear my Plea!
I cannot do this on my own.
Intervene with Your Spirit of Truth.

Keep me from myself.

Now Oh Lord I place my trust.
As I ask, may You answer;
As I knock, may you open the doors;
As I seek may, I find Your way.
The door which the Lord opens,
No one can close.
The door which the Lord closes,
No one can open.
For the glory of the Lord,
Open wide the floodgates of your promise,
And lead me where you need me.

As Your eyes are attracted to the righteous,
May I be a light in a dark place.
As Your ears are attentive to the just,
May I be to You a song.
Hear my prayers.
As I am seen by your holiness,
Wherever I go or stay, let me be a partaker of Your holiness
As I seek Your face,
Lavish me in grace.
Amen.