As All Is Lost . . .

So slowly it slipped through my fingers
And all I could do was watch
Unfortunately it's what I wanted
Now my hope is lowered another notch.
I still didn't want this to happen
But all seems to have slipped away
So I'm broken and squandered unwanting
I think night is breaking in on my day.
Really, what is there to try for?
Yes, divine sovereignty has its place.
But if that's all there is, and I don't know what is,
What is the quality of the throne of grace?
I'm so disturbed at the desires of self
But I find fulfillment in no other thought
Still I know I'm a new creation
But I know I can't be who I am not.
Oh God, how I need your help
Impliment more than my mind!
I can't be left on my own, for myself I disown
-I am part of the totally depraved Mankind.
. . . I can't be who I'm not.

I long for rest

...shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev— to be a kind of man
...She shall look on him with forgiveness, and everybody will forgive and love. He will be loved.
...So everything's OK, right?
...Can—can we rest now? ...can we rest?

A return to lamentations

Salvation is not one sided but two
Salvation is not what we think
Salvation only bears its quality
When of the fruit of our cross we do drink.
The Lord blesses and takes away
But I know that is based on me
Whether or not I am obedient
Bears the consequence of whether or not I am free.
How dare I speak of Mercy
When I think of reconcilation
Because I still I know that I bear myself in mind
And not of what it means to obtain true salvation.
The possibility she spoke still reminisces
And I know I snuffed the flame that night
Do I think of her as an expression of God
And hold on to her and no longer fight?
As she has shown hope, oh God show it too
I'm trusting you are opening my eyes
"Hey Steven, here's one more chance,
Feast on obedience and taste no more lies!"
So I wait on her as I wait on the Lord
Knowing who I am is what it takes
To rekindle the spark, to shine light in my dark
And know salvation from my mistakes.

Liminal Spirituality

My longing for happiness
Comes from depression
Where I hope for new 'morrows
Within dark bitter tension.
I'm lost with who I am -
It's not what I've known to be
As endless sorrows reign
I've lost the pursuit of liberty.
Tonight I have nothing left
And I'm scared, so scared of my heart,
I don't know where to begin,
Is it with myself I should start?
So my longing for happiness
Has made its home in liminality,
Where the darkness endures
And the light . . . the light is so dim to see.

A new beginning (or another lament?)

Simply resisting as in stubborness I bask
My hatred for humanity was a small daily task.
The perversion of years was my state as I loathed
As I loathed all my friends, some family; to darkness betrothed.
I wanted to stop, to stop all the rot
But it's who I became and I can't be who I'm not!
Till one night of anger, one night of rage
The consequence was silence; I was left alone on stage.
Nothing was said as words were heavily choked
And glossy eyes were revealed for pain was envoked.
So slowly sliding were the tears on her face
But I recognized all that was said; through anger came grace.
I know I was wrong and on my bed I belong
To seek out my God and over me may he sing his song.
Yet his song was really not song at all
It was an opera, an orchestar, a celestial ball!
The music was old, yet known; well rehersed, my own
To the audience of two, somehow with only one shown.
The music was my words I spoke so fluently
The reception of the one was done so effortlessly.
They lyrical cherade was one of testimony
An expression of guilt, of shame, of self atrocity!
As the song ended, there was but one reply
There was no clapping, but a simple smile as she started to cry.
My hatred for humanity was from their effort which was lost
And years of pain and sorrow was what it cost.
But the effort she put in gave me hope once again
And I look no longer on who I've been or what I've done.
My quality of being is not from those around me
But from the living God who dwells inside me.
What is true now is my fear of their failure
And how I'll respond in the future is where I'm unsure.
But simply for now I have a new beginning
Or, this could be a lament, and for today I hope in more than humanity.

Falling away from me

Sleep, let me lay down my head.

For all is done; for all is said.



Alas, the moon has finally risen,

In my sleep I'm still alive,

For I wake up with stains of crimson;

Waking up means I haven't died.



Before my eyelids fall like rain

I'm left gagging on the past,

And storms in dreams patch hellish schemes

So I play my part in a damnation cast.


Sleep, alas I'm not dead

For all is not done, not all painful words said.